Thursday, December 31, 2020

New Year on Desert Island

a lonely desåert island in the middle of the ocean. two castaways in ragged clothing flinge their hands joyously in the air and say, "This year, I resolve to give up smoking!" and "And I resolve to lose 15 pounds!"


 

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Gingerbread Iglu

a snowy flat landscape, the sunlow on the horizon. a Gingerbread person is decorating a gingerbread iglu for the holidays with cream, frosting, gumdrops, lollipops, and peppermints.

 

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Wednesday, December 30, 2020

Fireworks

A guy is getting ready to light up a bunch of fireworks. he's missing many finger and one ear, and is covered in burn scars. he tells a dubious onlooker: "safe? of course it's safe! i do fireworks every year!"

 

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Tuesday, December 29, 2020

Desert Island Joke 2020

A castaway on a tiny deser island looks up at a giant ship that is passing by. Three sailors lean over the railing looking down at her. The sailors are all wearing face masks. the captain shouts, " Believe us, you're better off there."

 

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Friday, December 25, 2020

Green Dog Christmas: Earl and Ella Exchange Gifts

Frame 1: Earl the English Bulldog and Ella the Persian Cat sitting on a fluffy rug by the Christmas Tree. Earl gives Ella an orange box with a yellow ribbon, and says, “Merry Christmas, Ella.” Frame 2: Ella opens and stares inside the box. “A bone.” she says. Frame 3: Earl says, “Well, you never use the stuff i give you, so i got you what i like.” and Ella says, “Yeah? Well YOU always exchange whatever i give you!” and she hands a small white package wrapped in red ribbon to him. Frame 4: earl opens his gift, and sees it filled with green herbs. “You gave me catnip?” he says. “Fine, be that way,” says Ella. “Gimme.” and she holds out the bone and her open paw to take the catnip.

 

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Wednesday, December 23, 2020

Green Dog Cafe: Krampus at Work

Frame 1: Krampus chasing a terrified boy through a snowy landscape, shouting “C’mere brat!” - over his shoulder, Krampus carries a burlap sack from which cries and shrieks emanate. Frame 2: Krampus stops, hands on knees, puffing. the sack, bigger now, wobbles and struggles. Frame 3: Krampus chasing a terrified girl and shouting “Grrr! Rotten kid!!” as Solstice Goat walks up and watches. smiling. Frame 4: Solstice Goat says, “Busy day?” Krampus stuffing a kid into his bulging bag, says, “Yup. Good thing I’m an extrovert.”

 

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Sunday, December 20, 2020

Green Dog Solstice 2020

Frame 1: Solstice goat, dressed in red and green holly and suspenders asks, “How will you celebrate solstice this year?” Frame 2: Sr. Banana, the Chihuahua, appears in a gold sun crown, a pot on his head, a painted gourd rattle in one hand and wooden spoons in the other, and a hand-woven aztec-themed outfit. He says, “honoring cultural traditions.” Frame 3: Bok Choi, the siamese cat, sitting on a fluffy rug in front of a fire, as snow falls outside the window, says, “meditation.” Frame 4: Squash, the English Sheepdog, sits at a table with a napkin around his neck, fork in hand. he says “a jelly roll,” and both Sr. Banana and Bok Choi suddenly appear saying, “ooh, can we have some?” (btw the jelly roll is vanilla cake, raspberry jelly, with chocolate glaze dribbling down the sides.)

 

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City: Holiday Lights

Frame 1: Justus, Sebastien, and May are decorating the holiday tree. Sebastian strikes a match to light a fat three-wick candle. Justus says, “No candles. they emit toxins.” Frame 2: Sebastien holds up a tea light, and asks, “How about battery candles?” And Justus says, “Plastic trash, and batteries that leak acid.” May walks past sucking on a huge candy cane. Frame 3: Sebastien holds up a string of colored lights, and says “Electric lights?” and Justus replies, “burning fossil fuels? are you Serious?” Frame 4: May is sitting on the sofa alone, with her teddy bear, finishing her candy cane. Offstage Sebastien asks, “glow in the dark stuff?” and Justus says “radiation!” Frame 5: Eddie enters from outside. Sebastien, May, and Justus are all sitting on the sofa in the dark. Eddie says “What on earth are you doing?” and Sebastien replies, “celebrating the festival of lights.”

 

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Thursday, November 26, 2020

Thanksgiving 2020 - more thanks to give every day

Frame 1: Sr. Banana is setting the thanksgiving table, and has the iPad open on it. Banana says, "Bok Choi! Come look! Everyone using a irtual background for thanksgiving dinner!" Offscreen bokchoi says, "Neat! can you make ours the cafe?" Panel 2: we see Earl, drinking a cup of tea. in the background is a beautiful mountainscape. frame 3: Ella the persian cat: in the background is a graffiti-scrawled wall with a picture of Earl with a red line through it, and it reads "down with dogs!' Panel 4: Squash, the English sheepdog is eating a cookie and having a soda, and in the background is a lush jungle. panel 5: Happy, the blue poodle, has a depressing grey background. all four of them are snickering. Panel 6: We see Bokchoi and Sr Banana, who both appear to be sitting inside a giant cup of coffee. Bokchoi says, "why are they laughing? do we look like we're in the cafe?" and Sr Banana replies, " si! in the cafe!"

Frame 1: dinner via teleconference. Bokchoi says to the iPad “Happy thanksgiving!” a tiny puff of grey smoke drifts in near the ceiling. Frame 2: Happy, the blue poodle says, “i’ve got nothing to be thankful for.” frame 3: Bokchoi’s house: a little more smoke drifts in. BokChoi says, “Try being thankful for something little.” a scream comes from the kitchen. Frame four: lots of smoke now, and banana comes marching out bearing a smoking dish, and yelling back towards the kitc1hen,” Estupido cheap oven! pedazo de basura! quemaste mi pan de tofu! ¡Te arranco la puerta, te lleno de gasolina, te prendo fuego y te arrojo por la ventana! ¡maldita porqueria de la tienda MAS PEsima de toda la podrida ciudad! Que avestruces rabiosos te muerdan! ¡Que el diablo te arrastre al infierno! “ and he spits. Frame 5: Happy, who sees all this on the iPad, is smiling, and says “ok, i’m thankful for Sr. Banana.” in the background we hear Sr. Banana telling BokChoi, “eat your carbon before it gets cold!”

 

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Saturday, November 21, 2020

Winter Sledding - Socially Distanced

A snowy mountain slope. several people are out in their winter clothes having a great time sledding - one on a sled, one on a saucer, one on an inflated tube. Each person and their sled is inside a giant plastic ball that rolls downhill like a hamster ball.
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Wednesday, November 18, 2020

Garbage

panel 1: a rubbish bin, garbage can, trash can. it's full of smelly garbage. someone throws a banana peel on top. Panel 2: someone throws an apple core on top. panel 3: the garbage climbs out of the can. panel 4: the garbage, holding the bag up like clothing, says to Sr. Banana, "Time to take me out."

 

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Sunday, November 15, 2020

Begonia, Zombie Secretary: The Quest

one-page comic story, beginning with an elegant oval cameo representation of Begonia (the zombie secretary) in a 19th century hairdo. in the subsequent panels she stalks through a moonlit night groaning "love" - her tongue hangs out, her hands grope in front of her, and she is wearing a nice cocktail gown and heels. She comes to a city at last, the lights twinkling in the trees, the stars twinkling overhead. "Loooove" she moans, and eventually comes to a building with a sign reading "Date Night: 7-9 pm." Eagerly she opens the door and stalks inside where a large room is filled with small tables with numbers on them. A man sitting alone at table #13 turns to see her, smiles, and waves at her. She stops midword. "Lov-" and stares at him. then she shouts "Brains!" and pounces on him, tipping the table, the chair, and the man, and she eats his brains. in the last scene she wanders off down a moonlit highway groaning "looooove......"
a piquant, trenchant, touching comment on our own ability to shoot ourselves in the foot. Or maybe it's just a zombie love story.

 

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Monday, November 09, 2020

One fine day in the Monster Prison

a hellish cavern filled with fire and gloom. the jailer reaches for a ring of keys, talking to the winged purple dragonlike monster peeing through the bars of a dark cell. The jailer says, "congratulations, you earned time off for bad behavior."

 

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Saturday, October 10, 2020

Please Vote

 

Thanks to the USPS and City Clerk, absentee ballots are counted!

Badge designed by Marcela Pasos

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Tuesday, September 29, 2020

Lederhosen

The entrance to the vast Oktoberfest fair. Three people in traditional bavarian clothing (including lederhosen) are staring in shock at a skinny young man with long hair, a black tshirt, and tight black pants. He says "You SAID to wear leather pants. I did."

 

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Saturday, September 26, 2020

4 Reasons People Love Oktoberfest

4 frames, each one showing a person in traditional bavarian clothing. 1)man says "The music!" He has huge curled mustache, plays an accordion with one hand, and is holding a stein of beer in the other. 2: a young woman says "The rides!" she is sitting in a bumper car, smashing into another driver. she drives with one hand and in the other holds a large stein of beer. 3) a man with a curled white beard says "The clothes!" He's showing off his lederhosen and suspenders with one hand, and holds a giant stein of beer in the other. 4) a young woman with a crown of braids says "The pretzels!" in one hand she holds a pretzel, and in the other a gigantic (and very close-up) stein of beer.. .

 

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Saturday, September 05, 2020

Quarantoon: Lockdown, Day 150

Small downtown apartment. in the foreground a birdcage with an angry-looking green budgie perched inside it. In the background a skinny bored person leans against the window, looking out and talking on the phone, saying, "I'm going CRAZY cooped up in here."

 

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Monday, August 31, 2020

Emergency Phone

Lonely highway, an elderly pickup truck is pulled off to one side, steam billowing out of the engine. in the foreground, an orange Emergency Phone with the word SOS painted on the side. The man in overalls is holding a wrench in one hand, and the telephone receiver in the other hand. he has a puzzled look on his face. coming from the receiver of the telephone is a shrieking voice that yells, "Help! Help!"

 

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Friday, August 28, 2020

Moving House: Moving Stuff

interior of a house. Cardboard boxes stacked everywhere, a carpet is rolled up, and a dog is asleep on the floor. two people fill the boxes with their household belongings, and carry the boxes out. written in marker on the boxes: Bathroom / Kitchen / Junk Drawer / Stuff i want HIM to deal with / Stuff we don't need but can't let go of yet / Her Junk / stuff to donate (but not yet) / wrapped presents for whoever/ To sort out later

 

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Sunday, August 16, 2020

In Hell

scene: Hell. an underground cavern with a lake of lava and steam. Two sinners are up to their necks in fiery brimstone, and from a cliff above them a winged red demon pours a buck of hot lava onto their heads. One sinner says to the other, "It's not the heat, so much as the humidity."
 

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Sunday, August 09, 2020

Shark Half-Fortnight draws to a close: Speaking of Bait....

We close out the Shark Half-Fortnight by easing up a little on our shark addiction, and looking at shark's pelagic pal, the Octopus!  or in this case, the Octopus and the Hero - a tale worthy of Chaucer, perchance?

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Saturday, August 08, 2020

Shark Half-Fortnight: Bait

midocean, a diver approaches a shark holding his hand out, swimming eagerly - the shark is dangling an irresistable lure: a bottle of beer
 

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Wednesday, August 05, 2020

Shark Half-Fortnight: Predatory Watermelon (Carcharodon Citrullus)


hot summer day out in the fields. a gardener in bluejean cutoffs and a bandannam wearing gloves and holding a clipper, holds a watermelon in her arms, and she looks frightened. circling around her feet, rustling through the greenery and vines is a school of watermelons with sharklike fins and teeth, and angry red eyes
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Tuesday, August 04, 2020

Shark Half-Fortnight: School Teacher


Mid-ocean. A school of young sharks is gathered around their teacher. One child raises a fin and asks, "Teacher! What happens if we don't turn in our homework on time?" The teacher, with a bored look, replies, "I eat you."
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Monday, August 03, 2020

Shark Half-Fortnight: Snorkling with the Sharks


A snorkeler paddling happily along the surface of the water encounters a shark coming towards him. the shark is upside down, floating in the air, with its fin in the water, and it too has a snorkel, allowing it to breathe in the water.
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Sunday, August 02, 2020

Shark Half Fortnight: underwater SMS texting


a scuba diver hovers in the ocean, fins slowly paddling, as she uses her waterproof phone to text a friend. Behind her a shark is opening huge jaws to engulf her. Her friend texts, "Look out! Shark!" and she responds, "LOL, right!"
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Saturday, August 01, 2020

Shark Half Fortnight: Tragedy Strikes at the Linnaean Society Picnic

The Linneaean Society of London is a learned society dedicated to Taxonomy, the correct naming of all species.
Members of the Linnaean Society - scientific naming of all species by taxonomy - are picnicking at the beach. The members of the Linnaean society leap to their feet yelling at a swimmer, "Look out! Carcharodon Carcharias!" and the swimmer shouts back, "What?" as a shark sneaks up behind him.
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Thursday, July 30, 2020

Shark Half Fortnight: Humid Day


A couple in their underwear sitting in the easy chairs, a fan blowing on them. The man reads a newspaper. The woman is fanning herself with a paper fan. She says, "It's so hot today, it feels like we're underwater." Behind them, a shark floats through the open window.
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Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Yoga (Mugging) in the Park


People doing yoga in the park have left their bags, wallets, and purses out on the grass near by. A robber comes by, points a gun at them as they are touching their toes, and shouts "Reach for the sky! No, wait...uh...reach for the ground!"
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Sunday, July 12, 2020

Zombie Secretary: Diversity, Nutrition, Resilience


Panel 1: the boss says to the audience of employees, "Today's topics are Diversity, Nutrition, and Resilience." Panel 2: she continues, "Begonia will present first." Panel 3: Begonia turns to the man sitting next to her and reaches for him, growling, "brains,....gr...." and the boss shouts, "Begonia! No!" Panel 4: Begonia, now, holding the terrified coworker by his hair and tie, turns to the boss, and says, "What? I'm demonstrating nutrition." the boss shouts, "Diversity! As our token zombie, you represent diversity!"
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Thursday, July 09, 2020

Zombie Secretary: I Love My Job


Panel 1: Coworker says: I just love my job so much. Panel 2: coworker happy says, "I want to die at my desk!" Panel 2: Begonia, the Zombie Secretary, plunges a knife into coworker's back. Panel 4: Ghost of coworker says "That's not what i mean!" Begonia says, "no backsies."
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Thursday, June 25, 2020

Golf-course Condo for Retirees


A putt-putt golf course with the course running through a toy fire hydrant, a giant hotdog, a sculpture of a roll of toilet paper, a pig, a big blue head, and a tiny condominium building. two miniature lakes and a tiny grassy meadow. a bald man and white-haired woman stand on the grass smiling at the tiny building. the man says into a cellphone, "Well, kids, mom and i finally bought a condo on a golf course!"
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Monday, June 22, 2020

Extra Leg Room


Airport check-in counter: a woman customer stands at a check-in counter speaking to a male airline employee who is sitting behind the desk, working on his computer. she says, "May i get a seat with extra leg room, please." then you notice that she has 3 legs.
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Saturday, June 20, 2020

Solstice Sacrifice


the edge of a caldera atop a volcano. deep in the pit bright red lava bubbles and steams. the sun is just rising. a woman in a white ceremonial dress, her arms tied behind her back, has just kicked a man, also in white ceremonial garb, into the crater. he falls screaming in fear towards the lava as the woman shouts, "you want a sacrifice? YOU make it!"
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Friday, June 19, 2020

Black Appreciation Day


office full of white people all gathered smiling around the desk of one worker with brown skin. he look surprised. the crowd offers a bouquet and balloons, and takes a photo of him, as one of them presents a certificate and announces, "The company decided it would help morale to have a black appreciation day!"
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Wednesday, June 17, 2020

New Glasses


Fly father is reading his ipad and having tea. a plate of doughnuts is on the table. his kid leans on the table and takes a doughnut and says, "I like your new glasses dad!" Dad says, "Thanks, kid." the glasses, like fly eyes, are lenses composed of hundreds of tiny round lenses. (subjoke: on the floor two other little flies are eating a fallen doughnut. one says. "Are they called multifocals?" the other fly says "fly specs."
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Monday, June 15, 2020

House Plant


A man stand on a folding stepstool, watering can in his hand. He is speaking to a hanging plant. Water dribbles out of the plant's pot, puddling on the ground. a cat watches. the man says, "Think of all the thirsty plants in Africa."
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Friday, June 12, 2020

The Easy Form



the Easy Form
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Wednesday, June 10, 2020

Planetary Isolation


the solar system. the earth is at the center, all the other planets are in a ring around it, putting up yellow crime scene-style tape that reads "quarantine - do not enter." Saturn says. "We should have done this a long time ago."
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Monday, June 08, 2020

How?


A little girl carrying a basket stands on a path through the countryside. she's looking at a signpost that reads simply "how?"
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Saturday, June 06, 2020

The New CFO


Human Resources office. Hiring manager on one side of desk says, "Hired! You're just what we need in our budget office!" on the other side of the desk is a dominatrix in full black patent-leather gear, high-heeled boots, and a whip.
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Friday, June 05, 2020

How Not To Wear A Mask


3 panels. #1: "Exposing your nose" Barber and customer both have masks only over their mouths. #2: Exposing your Mouth: Three young women drinking cocktails, eating popcorn, and taking selfies. all three have masks over their noses, but pushed up to let them eat and drink. #3. Exposing your ignorance: protestors in red caps, waving american flags and signs reading Fascist , Reopen, Liberty or Death, and some are carrying assault rifles.
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Thursday, June 04, 2020

Hotel Sunshine


A pleasant hotel lobby, a picture window showing a swimming pool and palm trees. a tourist pulling luggage, and looking at her room key, #311. on the wall a sign with various arrows showing the directions to the: Rooms, Reception, Cafe, Swimming Pool, Sauna, Gym, Torture Chamber, Business Centre, Beauty Salon, Disco, Casino
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Wednesday, June 03, 2020

Swimming Pool


Underwater view of an aqua blue swimming pool. a woman is diving down to the bottom of the pool, bubbles rushing past her. she sees a sign that reads: 8 Feet. 5 Tentacles. behind her five huge greenish brown tentacles swirl towards her from the deep end.
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Friday, May 29, 2020

Company Picnic


A mother introduces her teenage son to all her co workers at the company picnic - her boss, her boss' kids, the photographer, the board, some colleagues, but the kid only looks at boobies, not faces. afterwards, mom says "did you notice the diversity in this company?" and the kid says, "no," and mom hugs him and exclaims "I'm so proud to have a son who doesn't look at people's skin color!" (while she's hugging him he is ogling yet another woman's chest.
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Friday, May 22, 2020

How to Ruin Coffee


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Monday, May 18, 2020

4 Things Yogis Worry About


Yogi #1: thinking "please don't say it in sanskrit, please don't say it in sa-" and the teacher says "Dho mukha svanasana." Yogi #2: doing the back bend Camel Pose, thinking, "What if i can't get back up?" Yogi #3 speaking for several people in class who are all examining different bits of their bodies, "Teacher? We don't actually know what a sacrum is." Yogi #4: doing a downward dog pose, thinking "This" (is what we worry about) as a tiny fart escapes.
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What Makes A City Livable?

International Day Against Homophobia, Transphobia and Biphobia  - i missed it. it was yesterday!  but it's never too late to celebrate.


a hetero couple says: Oh golly, we're easy! We just want a place where the schools are good and we can have our pets and a pool and go surfing weekends. So what do you two look for in a city? the gay couple says: A place where we can admit we're a couple.
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Sunday, May 17, 2020

Green Dog Cafe: Cup Charge



The customer, a little white dog, says to the water, a big English Sheepdog in a green apron: Can i have some hot water? The waiter says, "Sure, there's a 35-cent charge." The customer says: I brought my own cup. The waiter says, "umm...." and the customer says. "So you owe me 35 cents." the waiter says, "ok" and gives the money to the customer who leaves. last panel: the owner, a siamese cat named Bok Choi appears, arms crossed, looking angry at the waiter. "We need to talk," Bok Choi says.
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Friday, May 15, 2020

Yoga Half-Moon Pose


Yoga studio. all the students are doing half-moon pose, which means touching the ground with one hand, standing on one leg, the other leg and arm high in the air. one student's tight yoga pants have just ripped at the seat, revealing lacy teal underwear, and she's blushing bright red as the teacher yells "I said HALFmoon pose, not full moon!" yes....an underwear joke. what can i say? i'm in lockdown and no one can stop me from drawing underwear jokes.
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Thursday, May 14, 2020

Suitable Reading


Scene: A hospital room in drab greens. A patient in the bed, green face. A visitor in a facemask holding up a pile of books and saying, "I brough you some books to occupy your mind!" the books include titles such as The Little Match Girl, the Titanic, Fun with Germs, The Big Book of Ebola, the Great fire of London, and Pilgrim's Progress
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Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Green Dog Cafe: Meet Happy

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhu02Qy0yNgWG9nQofo8qi18do9xdp9-JzWK1DJQ7IizSEBwekytSL-ACGw7KdhbwtHNV2pUysm4e1kgbm2_xs7b3HnyuZf9xVqJuZinmvVnxMOOqdjYGT4xuIiHx_yxkzQG_ON7Q/s1600/0022a.jpg
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Saturday, May 09, 2020

When Lockdown Ends (our locks after lockdown)

big city park scene: children playing in a sandbox, a lady walking her dog, a father taking his toddler for a walk, children flying a kite, a lady dancing and singing, a bird flying overhead. all of them have hair down to their waists, or a giant fluffy afro. the man has a waistlength bear also. and the dog has long dragging hair, too. and the bird, the bird has long hair. why? birds have feathers, don't they? well, this bird has long hair, ok?

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Friday, May 08, 2020

Quarantoon: Yelleworking

split screen. one side shows a man yelling at his laptop: "What? Can you repeat what you said?" on the other half of the screen is a woman yelling into he cellphone: "What? You got cut off! Say that again?!"

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Wednesday, May 06, 2020

Quarantoon: Day 45 of Lockdown

kitchen. three people, a dog, a cat, and a baby. the baby is waving a knife and fork and grinning evilly with its one tooth. the dog and cat are howling and trying to get out of the way as one person leaps across the table holding a knife, while the other one knocks over a chair while running away holding a colander over their head for protection. Grandma is reaching for another knife from the knife holder. spoons and forks have been jabbed into the table top, bowls are flying, glasses are being knocked over. one person shouts "From now on we eat food that doesn't require utensils!"

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Tuesday, May 05, 2020

Kilt Creativity

scottish festival, parading bagpipers and men in many different kilts. one guy has a kilt that's solid red with one horizontal line. he says "ours is not a creative clan."

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Monday, May 04, 2020

Autotranslate: Emergency Texts from the Government

two different women staring perplexedly at their cellphones. one has a text reading "If you have high blood pressure, dry hair, or a swollen chest, call your local doctor by phone!" the other phone reads, "Follow good hygiene and keep atrophy safe!"

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Friday, May 01, 2020

The Future of Flights?

inside an airplane. only four seats, all widely spaced. passengers wearing facemasks. Cabin attendant coming up the aisle with a tray with cups on it. the cabin attendant is in full-body biohazard suit, and says "Coffee? tea?"

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Thursday, April 30, 2020

Complicated Machine

Complicated Machine Frame 1: a teleworker with an earphone. she’s talking to someone on the other end of the phone line. she says “Click that.” Frame 2: “Yep, save….oh, you can’t?” Frame 3: “Well, then, enable access.” Frame 4: “this is a great function. you’re going to love it. but it doesn’t work yet.” Frame 5: “Ok, enable ‘follow.’” Frame 6: “Just copy the link from the root directory. Frame 7: “No, you have to be in the Beelzedot environment. Oh? Hmmmm….” Frame 8: “Then you’ll need the cross platform browsolator.” Frame 9: “ You get that from the app hut. I’ll wait.” Frame 10: “You have to be logged in through Finland. Why? It’s a workaround.” Frame 11: “Ok, did you get it? Good, now click the blue mule in the list subdirectory.” Frame 12: “No, you have to be on an iPad. or a phone. this is a mobile-only directory.” Frame 13: another woman steps into the room holding a basket of dirty clothes. She says, “hi, can you do the laundry?” Frame 14: the person on the phone holds up her hand to refuse the suggestion, and says. “Ugh, i can’t use that machine. too complicated.”

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Monday, April 27, 2020

Quarantoon: Carrot Soup

a pot of bubbling soup in the foreground next to a chopping board with a big knife, half a lemon, a potato, and some green onions. to the side is a table with a bowl and spoon. and across the kitchen there is a man standing in front of the open fridge. the crisper drawer is open and a carrot and a parsnip or a turnip are waving their fists. the Turnip has a sign that says "Freebom!" the Carrot yells "We're tired of being stuck in the fridge! We want out!" And the man says "Ok" with a smile.

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Sunday, April 26, 2020

Quarantoon: Power Outages

sunset in a semidark apartment. a darkened laptop on the desk, the lamp is off, a candle next to it is lit. a weight bench and scattered barbells lie about the floor, with a cat lounging on the bench. a person is talking on the cellphone. someone's voice from inside the cellphone: "The power's out again? So what do you do when that happens?" the person answers "exercise." we see that the person has grotesquely huge powerful muscles all over the body.

This is the logical outcome of converging problems: countries where the power is cut off frequently, and a time when people aren't allowed to leave home.  Any hobbies we have suddenly go into overdrive. 
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Saturday, April 25, 2020

Quarantoon: Day 30 of Family Lockdown

two crazed people chasing each other through an apartment. the female character is chasing the male character, She's brandishing a baseball bat. She yells, "He touched my side of the sofa!" The guy yells "She pinched me!" meanwhile in the foreground a teen with a disgusted expression is sitting in an easy chair texting on her cellphone. the text reads "Barfy Emoticon. Parents are at it again."

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Friday, April 24, 2020

Quarantoon: Day 21 of the Lockdown

Family of five adults and two kids in a small messy apartment. three adults are having a shouting match, one is on his knees covering his head. the baby is screaming on the couch. the toddler is chewing on the coffee table. and in the foreground a frazzled lady in rumpled pink bathrobe and pajamas says into the cellphone: "Oh yes, we're all really good!"

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Thursday, April 23, 2020

Quisine! Exciting New Dishes Inspired By Whatever's Left On Your Shelf

Frame 1: A young woman in a chef’s hat holding up a plate. Recipe name: Raisins marinated in Thyme and Blue Nun Served on a Bed of Instant Rice Frame 2: A young man with a red neckerchief holding up a green sloppy burger in one hand, and a tiny glass jar in the other hand. Recipe name: Baby Food and Ramen in a Bun. Frame 3: An older woman in pearls drinking brown mush through a straw. Recipe Title: Matzoh Mix Smoothies Frame 4: A man in a grey chef’s coat adding parsley garnish to a loaded plate. Recipe Title: Pinto Beans on Pita With A Reduction of Vegemite

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Wednesday, April 22, 2020

A Bad Time for Hypochondriacs

Two women wearing surgical masks. One is running away. the other is chasing the first one, grabbing her arm and saying, "Wait! When I said I'm not well, I didn't mean i have COVID-19! It's my knees. you know how bad they are. And i need to tell you about my rash!"

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Pessimistic Projection

scene: A bombed-out landscape, leaking pipes, crashed cars, a huge mushroom cloud and nuclear sunset. all that's left is the floor, one wall, and the meeting table of a conference room. 6 people are sitting around the table watching a presenter who is pointing at an easel bearing a chart that shows a steeply descending red line. The person at the head of the table says. "I find your projections a little pessimistic, Lee."

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Monday, April 20, 2020

Peace and Quiet

a guy reading a newspaper in a cozy armchair at the library - tall stacks of books behind him. coming around the corner is another guy who says with a big grin and in a loud voice, "Hi! Are you enjoying the peace and quiet?!"

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Saturday, April 18, 2020

Quarantoons: Are You A Quarathlete?

Are You A Quarathlete: Nifty Exercises You Can Do in Lockdown! BEAN CURL: woman doing bicep curls with canned beans as dumbbells FAMILY LONG JUMP: three kids and a dog kneeling and looking up as dad takes a flying jump over their heads SPOUSE-UPS: Guy doing pushups on a layer of dozens of rolls of toilet paper still in the plastic wrapper. His wife is sitting on his back TIN-CAN RUN: Guy running in place in his bathtub - the bottom of the tub is lined with cans of food which act as a roller. at the bottom: “Handy tip: Use stockpiled TP or off-season clothes a gym mat!”

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Friday, April 17, 2020

Quarantoons: 6 Quarantine-friendly Fashions!

Frame 1: The Fluffbob: a woman with red-brown hair in great disorder, sticking out in all directions, and she’s primping for the camera. Frame 2: The Natural Beard: A bald man with a giant orange beard covering most of his face and chest, growing out in wisps. he’s waving at us. Frame 3: The Fu Manchu: a blond man whose hair has grown long and straight down his back is twirling one of his extremely long mustachios around a finger. Frame 4: The Telework Twinset: a woman with her hair in an elegant bun is talking on video phone. she’s wearing a beautiful aqua suit coat, pearls, and white work blouse. and on bottom she has on giant baggy grey sweat pants. Frame 5: the 8 a.m. Shadow: a man holding a cup of coffee and giving a thumbs up - he’s wearing bifocals, a work shirt and blue tie and has long whiskers growing out randomly from his grey-shadowed chin. Frame 6: the Emoji Filter: a young woman in an orange blouse trimmed with white lace. her face has emoji images superimposed on it - two shiny red hearts over her eyes, two floppy brown puppy ears sprout fro her head, and a long rainbow unscrolls from her smiling open mouth.

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Thursday, April 16, 2020

Quarantoons: Sequestration Yoga

Need exercise but don't have enough space? Try the new Sequestration Yoga! Here are four useful poses for very crowded spaces, along with their sanskrit names. Frame 1: woman with grey ponytail squatting beneath her kitchen table: “Hunchinundatabel Pose” Frame 2: crowded kids’ bedroom. Man with red beard standing on one foot arms outstretched. A baby sleeps on his left hand. a toddler swings from his right arm. a dog perches on his uplifted knee, and a cat rubs against his ankle. “Uppahevibebi Pose” Frame 3: Woman squeezed between her kitchen table and her fridge. she’s balanced on one leg in dancer’s pose, one arm stretched behind to capture her uplifted foot. her other hand is feeding a sandwich into her face, and an open box of crackers stands on the table, along with a cereal bowl. “Findandeetamunchi Pose.” Frame 4: a tiny bathroom. Man on his back inside his shower stall. both legs stretched up above him in the waterfall pose. he’s struggling with his hands to grasp something on the slippery surface to help him get out of the pose. “Owai Kanget Auttashowa Pose”

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Sunday, April 12, 2020

Quarantoons - Exercise at Home!

a big family is confined in their small apartment. grandma's pushing up the window and hollering, dad is banging his head on the wall, children are climbing the walls and bouncing on the bed, dog is chasing the cat in circles, one kid is standing in front of the television mooning his big brother who is trying to play video games, and is now jumping on him to wring his neck, and mom is holding up a struggling toddler, her muscles quivering as she speaks into her cellphone, saying "Yes, Mom, we're all getting plenty of exercise."

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Easter Egg Trafficker

TV screen showing morning news scene, anchor is talking, and behind him a mugshot of a tough bunny with tattered ears and scars, holding up an ID card with "635846 Coopville Police" written on it. Anchor says “Police believe they have finally apprehended the notorious ‘Coney Kid’ who is a person of interest in a global egg-trafficking ring.” running across the bottom are news feeds “—he said he would give them a good education,” Distraught chick —72 Degrees, 6:03 AM partly sunny today — new Tortilla recipe will make — tonight at eleven: Eggspose! Chocolate used to substitute genuine — Milk Board Fights to Keep Eggs Classified as Dairy, Despite —

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Easter Egg Hunt

Scene: Greendog Cafe. Siamese cat owner named BokChoi says to his coworkers: “An Egg hund is a great idea way to get customers in! for every egg they find, they get a 50% discount.” the door opens and a herd of customers rushes in as Bok Choi turns to Squash, the big English Sheepdog, and says, “Where did you hide the eggs, anyway?” a great crunching resounds through the cafe as Squash replies, “Under the carpet.” and Sr. Banana, the chihuahua thinks, “More coffee for me!”

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Thursday, April 09, 2020

Quarantoons: People Who Love Teleworking

frame 1: INTROVERTS: smiling man at home teleworking on his laptop. wearing shirt and tie. one cat looking out window, another cat snoozing beside him. Frame 2: AGORAPHOBES: teleworking man not smiling so much, curtain pulled, many locks and chains on the door, and delivery food being pushed through a cat-flap. Frame 3: ABLUTOPHOBES: teleworking man in smelly wrinkly clothes, dirty face and socks, hair grown long and tousled, sleeping beside him is a skunk. flies are circling his head. lots of leftover food containers litter the floor. Frame 4: YOUR OFFICE SUPPLY MANAGER: neatly dressed woman in front of fully stocked shelves. she smiles and says “Not one paper clip missing!”

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Saturday, April 04, 2020

Quarantoons: How do you keep from thinking 24/7 about COVID-19?

frame one: young lady clinking to handsome bearded hunk: "I think about Jason Momoa!" frame 2: family at a table covered in jigsaw puzzle, cards, checkers. baby is eating a piece of puzzle. "We play educational games and do puzzles." Frame 3: blonde clad in white, tossing a yellow tennis ball: "I play mental tennis." Frame 4: crazed mother says "I think about a different crisis!" in the background, her daughter says she's pregnant, her son asks her to help finish the piercing he's begun, a baby is crawling out an open window, grandpa is screaming for his pills, the dog is pooing on the carpet, and someone is yelling from the bathroom "Aaargh! we're out of TP!"


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Thursday, April 02, 2020

Quarantoons: Telework Pants

Frame 1: seen in computer screen: man in tidy office clothing, drinking from a mug and saying "Since we're teleworking today, i wore a shirt and tie on top, but sweatpants on bottom!" Frame 2: different man, in plaid flannel shirt and messy hair: "Haha, i don't believe you!" Frame three: tidy man stands up and shows his sweat pants. "I really did, see?" Frame 4: Messy man, seen from head to toe, wearing only baggy white underwear on bottom, saying "No, i can't believe you wore pants at all!"

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Wednesday, April 01, 2020

Hisor Gate: Melon of Melons

Auto Translate: How Bad Could It Be?. Online reviews of Dushanbe's Hisor Gate were autotranslated into English. Here are the results: A Nice Place. | Beautiful Design. | Nuu, Gate as the gate. | Horror | To the Halloween Homes. | Damage Damage. | Dushamba Zyn zyn Melon of melons. (Ed Note: there is in fact a huge melon-shaped teahouse near Hisor) | Rais Hissa, however, did not recover, but did not rebuild the gear. It could be anticipated to increase the amount of ammunition that the ballooned sandy sand sandwich will colapse. it was a great deal.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Quarantoons: 4 Activities to Balance your Health

four images. first: Woman doing pushups, cats supervising her, she's swearting. labeled Push-ups. Second: skinny guy in his tighty-whities trying to do a chin-up while his dog barks at him. Label: Pull-ups. Third: older bald guy in grey sweats doing situps and cussing and sweating Label: Sit-ups. fourth: woman grinning manically at the stove, flipping something greasy in a frying pan which also has a grilled cheese sandwich. she's drooling. Label: Fry-ups

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Monday, March 23, 2020

The Chef is in Quarantine

Ella (the customer): "where's Sr. Banana?" BokChoi (placing napkin and silverware before Ella and pouring water): "He's in quarantined in back with some weird disease." (Then BokChoi brings bowl of food to Ella's table): "I can't let him out here to breathe on our customers. But don't worry...he can stil cook. Enjoy your lunch." (and Ella looks in disgust at her food)

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COVID-19 Vs Air Pollution

spiky pink beastie labeled COVID-19 menaces grey cloudy beastie labeled Air Pollution, which is slinking away terrified.
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Sunday, March 22, 2020

Happy Equinox

It's the equinox! now the day and night are equally long. they say you can balance eggs on end today. Banana: balances egg on its end. Squash: drops eggs and says "Look! i stood them all on end!" Bok Choi: what's today's special? Banana, glowering, says: "Crunchy omlettes."

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Saturday, March 07, 2020

Bun 003 Shovel that Snow!

Frame one: Bun is lolling on the sofa. the Chef says "You have to work, Bun. Go shovel the snow." Frame 2: Bun protests: "It's a blizzard out there! Can't i do something else?" Frame 3: Chef holds out toilet brush, saying, "Sure! Clean the toilets." Frame 4: Bun is outside shoveling snow and cursing, while chef watches through the window, thinking "It works every time."

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Sunday, February 23, 2020

Bun 002 Sofa Tester

read all the Buns in order! Click Here.
Frame 1: Bun sleeps peacefully on the sofa. Frame 2: Chef angrily says "Lazy Bun! You can't just lie around on the sofa all day!" Frame 3: Chef shakes ladle and says "You need a job!" Bun says "I have a job." Frame 4: "I'm a sofa tester." Bun pokes sofa. " This one's so-so"

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Saturday, February 15, 2020

Bun 001 Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time a baker was making breadrolls when suddenly one jumped off the pan. Bun: Haha! you can't catch me, nobody can! Narrator: This is the story of Bun, the brave little breadroll who ran away from home.... (Bun runs down the street and into a chubby kid who licks his lips and says "Yummy!" Narrator: ...and then ran back. (Bun comes crashing through the door into the kitchen screaming "Aiiieeeeee!")


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