Thursday, April 30, 2020

Complicated Machine

Complicated Machine Frame 1: a teleworker with an earphone. she’s talking to someone on the other end of the phone line. she says “Click that.” Frame 2: “Yep, save….oh, you can’t?” Frame 3: “Well, then, enable access.” Frame 4: “this is a great function. you’re going to love it. but it doesn’t work yet.” Frame 5: “Ok, enable ‘follow.’” Frame 6: “Just copy the link from the root directory. Frame 7: “No, you have to be in the Beelzedot environment. Oh? Hmmmm….” Frame 8: “Then you’ll need the cross platform browsolator.” Frame 9: “ You get that from the app hut. I’ll wait.” Frame 10: “You have to be logged in through Finland. Why? It’s a workaround.” Frame 11: “Ok, did you get it? Good, now click the blue mule in the list subdirectory.” Frame 12: “No, you have to be on an iPad. or a phone. this is a mobile-only directory.” Frame 13: another woman steps into the room holding a basket of dirty clothes. She says, “hi, can you do the laundry?” Frame 14: the person on the phone holds up her hand to refuse the suggestion, and says. “Ugh, i can’t use that machine. too complicated.”

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Monday, April 27, 2020

Quarantoon: Carrot Soup

a pot of bubbling soup in the foreground next to a chopping board with a big knife, half a lemon, a potato, and some green onions. to the side is a table with a bowl and spoon. and across the kitchen there is a man standing in front of the open fridge. the crisper drawer is open and a carrot and a parsnip or a turnip are waving their fists. the Turnip has a sign that says "Freebom!" the Carrot yells "We're tired of being stuck in the fridge! We want out!" And the man says "Ok" with a smile.

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Sunday, April 26, 2020

Quarantoon: Power Outages

sunset in a semidark apartment. a darkened laptop on the desk, the lamp is off, a candle next to it is lit. a weight bench and scattered barbells lie about the floor, with a cat lounging on the bench. a person is talking on the cellphone. someone's voice from inside the cellphone: "The power's out again? So what do you do when that happens?" the person answers "exercise." we see that the person has grotesquely huge powerful muscles all over the body.

This is the logical outcome of converging problems: countries where the power is cut off frequently, and a time when people aren't allowed to leave home.  Any hobbies we have suddenly go into overdrive. 
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Saturday, April 25, 2020

Quarantoon: Day 30 of Family Lockdown

two crazed people chasing each other through an apartment. the female character is chasing the male character, She's brandishing a baseball bat. She yells, "He touched my side of the sofa!" The guy yells "She pinched me!" meanwhile in the foreground a teen with a disgusted expression is sitting in an easy chair texting on her cellphone. the text reads "Barfy Emoticon. Parents are at it again."

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Friday, April 24, 2020

Quarantoon: Day 21 of the Lockdown

Family of five adults and two kids in a small messy apartment. three adults are having a shouting match, one is on his knees covering his head. the baby is screaming on the couch. the toddler is chewing on the coffee table. and in the foreground a frazzled lady in rumpled pink bathrobe and pajamas says into the cellphone: "Oh yes, we're all really good!"

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Thursday, April 23, 2020

Quisine! Exciting New Dishes Inspired By Whatever's Left On Your Shelf

Frame 1: A young woman in a chef’s hat holding up a plate. Recipe name: Raisins marinated in Thyme and Blue Nun Served on a Bed of Instant Rice Frame 2: A young man with a red neckerchief holding up a green sloppy burger in one hand, and a tiny glass jar in the other hand. Recipe name: Baby Food and Ramen in a Bun. Frame 3: An older woman in pearls drinking brown mush through a straw. Recipe Title: Matzoh Mix Smoothies Frame 4: A man in a grey chef’s coat adding parsley garnish to a loaded plate. Recipe Title: Pinto Beans on Pita With A Reduction of Vegemite

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Wednesday, April 22, 2020

A Bad Time for Hypochondriacs

Two women wearing surgical masks. One is running away. the other is chasing the first one, grabbing her arm and saying, "Wait! When I said I'm not well, I didn't mean i have COVID-19! It's my knees. you know how bad they are. And i need to tell you about my rash!"

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Pessimistic Projection

scene: A bombed-out landscape, leaking pipes, crashed cars, a huge mushroom cloud and nuclear sunset. all that's left is the floor, one wall, and the meeting table of a conference room. 6 people are sitting around the table watching a presenter who is pointing at an easel bearing a chart that shows a steeply descending red line. The person at the head of the table says. "I find your projections a little pessimistic, Lee."

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Monday, April 20, 2020

Peace and Quiet

a guy reading a newspaper in a cozy armchair at the library - tall stacks of books behind him. coming around the corner is another guy who says with a big grin and in a loud voice, "Hi! Are you enjoying the peace and quiet?!"

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Saturday, April 18, 2020

Quarantoons: Are You A Quarathlete?

Are You A Quarathlete: Nifty Exercises You Can Do in Lockdown! BEAN CURL: woman doing bicep curls with canned beans as dumbbells FAMILY LONG JUMP: three kids and a dog kneeling and looking up as dad takes a flying jump over their heads SPOUSE-UPS: Guy doing pushups on a layer of dozens of rolls of toilet paper still in the plastic wrapper. His wife is sitting on his back TIN-CAN RUN: Guy running in place in his bathtub - the bottom of the tub is lined with cans of food which act as a roller. at the bottom: “Handy tip: Use stockpiled TP or off-season clothes a gym mat!”

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Friday, April 17, 2020

Quarantoons: 6 Quarantine-friendly Fashions!

Frame 1: The Fluffbob: a woman with red-brown hair in great disorder, sticking out in all directions, and she’s primping for the camera. Frame 2: The Natural Beard: A bald man with a giant orange beard covering most of his face and chest, growing out in wisps. he’s waving at us. Frame 3: The Fu Manchu: a blond man whose hair has grown long and straight down his back is twirling one of his extremely long mustachios around a finger. Frame 4: The Telework Twinset: a woman with her hair in an elegant bun is talking on video phone. she’s wearing a beautiful aqua suit coat, pearls, and white work blouse. and on bottom she has on giant baggy grey sweat pants. Frame 5: the 8 a.m. Shadow: a man holding a cup of coffee and giving a thumbs up - he’s wearing bifocals, a work shirt and blue tie and has long whiskers growing out randomly from his grey-shadowed chin. Frame 6: the Emoji Filter: a young woman in an orange blouse trimmed with white lace. her face has emoji images superimposed on it - two shiny red hearts over her eyes, two floppy brown puppy ears sprout fro her head, and a long rainbow unscrolls from her smiling open mouth.

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Thursday, April 16, 2020

Quarantoons: Sequestration Yoga

Need exercise but don't have enough space? Try the new Sequestration Yoga! Here are four useful poses for very crowded spaces, along with their sanskrit names. Frame 1: woman with grey ponytail squatting beneath her kitchen table: “Hunchinundatabel Pose” Frame 2: crowded kids’ bedroom. Man with red beard standing on one foot arms outstretched. A baby sleeps on his left hand. a toddler swings from his right arm. a dog perches on his uplifted knee, and a cat rubs against his ankle. “Uppahevibebi Pose” Frame 3: Woman squeezed between her kitchen table and her fridge. she’s balanced on one leg in dancer’s pose, one arm stretched behind to capture her uplifted foot. her other hand is feeding a sandwich into her face, and an open box of crackers stands on the table, along with a cereal bowl. “Findandeetamunchi Pose.” Frame 4: a tiny bathroom. Man on his back inside his shower stall. both legs stretched up above him in the waterfall pose. he’s struggling with his hands to grasp something on the slippery surface to help him get out of the pose. “Owai Kanget Auttashowa Pose”

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Sunday, April 12, 2020

Quarantoons - Exercise at Home!

a big family is confined in their small apartment. grandma's pushing up the window and hollering, dad is banging his head on the wall, children are climbing the walls and bouncing on the bed, dog is chasing the cat in circles, one kid is standing in front of the television mooning his big brother who is trying to play video games, and is now jumping on him to wring his neck, and mom is holding up a struggling toddler, her muscles quivering as she speaks into her cellphone, saying "Yes, Mom, we're all getting plenty of exercise."

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Easter Egg Trafficker

TV screen showing morning news scene, anchor is talking, and behind him a mugshot of a tough bunny with tattered ears and scars, holding up an ID card with "635846 Coopville Police" written on it. Anchor says “Police believe they have finally apprehended the notorious ‘Coney Kid’ who is a person of interest in a global egg-trafficking ring.” running across the bottom are news feeds “—he said he would give them a good education,” Distraught chick —72 Degrees, 6:03 AM partly sunny today — new Tortilla recipe will make — tonight at eleven: Eggspose! Chocolate used to substitute genuine — Milk Board Fights to Keep Eggs Classified as Dairy, Despite —

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Easter Egg Hunt

Scene: Greendog Cafe. Siamese cat owner named BokChoi says to his coworkers: “An Egg hund is a great idea way to get customers in! for every egg they find, they get a 50% discount.” the door opens and a herd of customers rushes in as Bok Choi turns to Squash, the big English Sheepdog, and says, “Where did you hide the eggs, anyway?” a great crunching resounds through the cafe as Squash replies, “Under the carpet.” and Sr. Banana, the chihuahua thinks, “More coffee for me!”

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Thursday, April 09, 2020

Quarantoons: People Who Love Teleworking

frame 1: INTROVERTS: smiling man at home teleworking on his laptop. wearing shirt and tie. one cat looking out window, another cat snoozing beside him. Frame 2: AGORAPHOBES: teleworking man not smiling so much, curtain pulled, many locks and chains on the door, and delivery food being pushed through a cat-flap. Frame 3: ABLUTOPHOBES: teleworking man in smelly wrinkly clothes, dirty face and socks, hair grown long and tousled, sleeping beside him is a skunk. flies are circling his head. lots of leftover food containers litter the floor. Frame 4: YOUR OFFICE SUPPLY MANAGER: neatly dressed woman in front of fully stocked shelves. she smiles and says “Not one paper clip missing!”

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Saturday, April 04, 2020

Quarantoons: How do you keep from thinking 24/7 about COVID-19?

frame one: young lady clinking to handsome bearded hunk: "I think about Jason Momoa!" frame 2: family at a table covered in jigsaw puzzle, cards, checkers. baby is eating a piece of puzzle. "We play educational games and do puzzles." Frame 3: blonde clad in white, tossing a yellow tennis ball: "I play mental tennis." Frame 4: crazed mother says "I think about a different crisis!" in the background, her daughter says she's pregnant, her son asks her to help finish the piercing he's begun, a baby is crawling out an open window, grandpa is screaming for his pills, the dog is pooing on the carpet, and someone is yelling from the bathroom "Aaargh! we're out of TP!"


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Thursday, April 02, 2020

Quarantoons: Telework Pants

Frame 1: seen in computer screen: man in tidy office clothing, drinking from a mug and saying "Since we're teleworking today, i wore a shirt and tie on top, but sweatpants on bottom!" Frame 2: different man, in plaid flannel shirt and messy hair: "Haha, i don't believe you!" Frame three: tidy man stands up and shows his sweat pants. "I really did, see?" Frame 4: Messy man, seen from head to toe, wearing only baggy white underwear on bottom, saying "No, i can't believe you wore pants at all!"

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Wednesday, April 01, 2020

Hisor Gate: Melon of Melons

Auto Translate: How Bad Could It Be?. Online reviews of Dushanbe's Hisor Gate were autotranslated into English. Here are the results: A Nice Place. | Beautiful Design. | Nuu, Gate as the gate. | Horror | To the Halloween Homes. | Damage Damage. | Dushamba Zyn zyn Melon of melons. (Ed Note: there is in fact a huge melon-shaped teahouse near Hisor) | Rais Hissa, however, did not recover, but did not rebuild the gear. It could be anticipated to increase the amount of ammunition that the ballooned sandy sand sandwich will colapse. it was a great deal.

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